Cool “Facts” About Glenn Reynolds – A Filthy Lie?

We all know about the Chuck Norris fact generator, found at 4q.cc (and not chucknorrisfacts.net as most people believe), as well as the Vin Diesel and Mr. T fact generators, and some of us are familiar with the Dick Cheney fact ‘generator’ as well.

But what about Glenn Reynolds, the Instapundit? I’m sure there must be cool facts about him just WAITING to be discovered.

Or made up.

Anyway, after a bit of research, and a lot of guinness, here’s what I discovered.

* You know how people compensate for stuff by buying large cars and big houses? Well, with all this talk about nanotechnology, it appears as though someone is… anti-compensating.

* This explains the existence of “Glenn H. Reynolds Hall” on the University of Tennessee campus.

* And the one on the campus of the University of Nebraska.

* Every time Glenn links to Ann Althouse, an arctic squirrel gets hit by a car.

* Glenn Reynolds invented Global Warming in order to frighten environmentally-minded folk.

* Glenn Reynolds created the moon by nuking the Earth. Take that, Frank J!

* Not only did Glenn Reynolds beat Al Gore to the invention of the internet, he also beat him by inventing the first porn site.

* He then proceeded to beat Al Gore because he looked at him funny.

* Someone once told Glenn Reynolds that attotechnology would be the wave of the future. His funeral is on Saturday.

* Glenn Reynolds originally had the idea to build a secret base in the Atlantic Ocean in which any ship that entered would disappear, but the name “Reynoldsian Bermuda Enneacontakaienneagon” was considered far too ridiculous to be taken seriously, and Poseidon rejected it.

* When was the last time YOU saw Poseidon?

* Glenn Reynolds invented Earth Day. On Lenin’s Birthday. Communist!

* Glenn Reynolds also invented Mars Day, to worship the God of War like the warmongering Neocon he is! BUSH LIED SLOBODAN DIED or something along those lines.

* Why were hippies invented? Because Glenn ran out of hobos to murder.

* He also considers failing to invent the “Anal Bum Cover” his greatest regret.

* Glenn Reynolds only needs Viagra to keep his blood pressure down.

* After murdering all the hobos he could find, Glenn took his anger out on the cast of Firefly. This explains its cancellation.

* Nothing explains MXC’s cancellation. WTF?

* Jesus and Mohammed were thought up by Glenn Reynolds as a hilarious joke to play on his roommate during his 3rd semester of college. Suffice to say, it didn’t work out as he planned.

* His 3rd semester roommate was some dude named Moses.

* Glenn Reynolds once visited New Orleans to “adopt” puppies that were abandoned by their owners during Mardi Gras. The sheer number of puppies combined with the ludicrous speed his blender was set to? Well, I think we all know where this is headed.

* Glenn Reynolds and Frank J are the same guy. Where is your God now?

* Pin the Tail on the Donkey was created by Glenn Reynolds after a nasty bender involving every member of the University of Tennessee law department. Oddly, original records state that it was originally titled “Pin the Tail on the Provost” and then “Where can I find me some tail to pin?”

* This second game was co-opted by Chuck Norris and is now known as Beardometrics.

* The Rock always used to think that what you thought mattered, until he met Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn’s glasses emit a high powered radiation beam capable of melting puppies. Blenders are no longer necessary.

* 119 of the original 150 Pokemon were Glenn Reynolds’ students.

* Every time Glenn links to Mickey Kaus, a woman is impregnated.

* Every time Glenn links to Andrew Sullivan, a woman is impregnated. Andrew has e-mailed Glenn multiple times asking for a change in this rule, but Glenn misunderstands him and links him approvingly instead.

* Glenn is responsible for the championships of the New England Patriots, Dallas Cowboys, Connecticut Huskies, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Duke Blue Devils, Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, and Minnesota Vikings. San Francisco 49ers.

* Glenn is not responsible for the championship drought of the Detroit Lions. Nothing can explain that.

* Glenn and the Incredible Hulk once got into a fight, with the stipulation being that the loser had to walk home dejectedly to a really sad song.

* Chuck Norris stole his idea for a show from the sign on Glenn’s office door that reads “Blender, Tennessee Stranger”

* Glenn likes his children medium-rare, and his puppies shaken, not stirred.

* Michael Jackson hates his children medium-rare – he needs them plentiful and abundant.

* O.J didn’t do it – Glenn did. O.J was actually the weapon.

* There have been five extinction-level events in Earth’s History. Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld exist. Glenn Reynolds awaits his turn.

* Glenn Reynolds created sorority babes. This is the only reason he has yet to be deposed, and his only redeeming quality.